


The Inlaws

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Snippets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-03-13
Updated: 2004-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:12:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Alex didn't tell Walter and Mulder about his family.





	The Inlaws

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Title: The In-laws

 

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula

 

Fandom: X-Files and Addams Family

 

Pairing: M/SK/K Scully/Cousin It

 

 

Rating: R

 

 

Status: Completed

 

Date Posted: Repost 3-14-04

 

Archive: FHSA, DIB, WWOMB, FONLX, RATB or Warm Thoughts, Gossamer 

 

 

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or Ursula4X@aol.com

 

 

Classification: Humor and domestic discipline

 

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: Story has a sequel: Good Help is Hard to Find

 

Web Site: http://www.fhsarchive.com/ursula/

Main FHSA Site: http://www.fhsarchive.com/

Mirror Site: fhsarchive.popullus.org

 

Disclaimers: I don't own either the X Files or the Addams Family. It's a pair of dee.

 

 

Notes: 

 

Written ages ago for the Persuader's List

 

 

Warnings: Domestic discipline and humor

 

 

Time Frame: Never Never

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The In-laws

 

Thoughtfully, Walter put down "The History of Domestic Discipline" 

and scratched his nose. He had picked up the book, thinking it might 

give him some finer points of dealing with his husbands. Instead, it 

was about naughty maids and butlers. And footmen. Hmm, footmen.

 

Snapping his fingers, he said, "Alex, get me a beer, please."

 

Snickering, Alex sashayed off to the kitchen and came back with the 

beer. He opened the bottle and planted a kiss on the rim before 

handing it to Walter.

 

"Rub my feet while I drink this," Walter suggested.

 

Purring happily, Alex moved to the end of the couch to perform this 

rite. He poured a little massage oil on his hand and gave free rein 

to his foot fetish. Walter liked this month's fascination. The gift 

certificate to fetish of the month kit turned out to be the gift that 

kept on giving. He was thrilled to see that next month's fetish 

was 'Pony Boys" Walter planned on surprising his husbands with custom-

made bridles...and he had also ordered spurs for himself.

 

The phone rang. Mulder said, "You rang? Oh, Alex? Yeah, this is where 

he lives...you're who? His brother? Shit! I didn't know he had a brother..."

 

Mulder strolled over and shoved the phone at Alex. "Gee, Alex, thanks 

for telling us that you had a family."

 

Batting eyelashes madly, Alex reached for the phone. His oiled hands 

made the receiver slip. It shot wildly across the room. By the time that Alex retrieved it, the caller had hung up.

 

Walter shook his head. "I introduced to my mother, my father, my 

sisters, and my great aunt Martha. Alex, didn't you say that you 

didn't have any living family?"

 

"Well, yeah, I'd still stand by that statement," Alex replied.

 

"Stand is the operative word," Walter said.

 

Now, Walter wouldn't say that Alex was difficult and needed frequent 

discipline, but Mulder and he had sprung to have all of their lover's 

pants altered. They now came with Velcro drop seats for easy spanking.

 

Catching the look in Walter's eyes, Alex let out a frightened squeal 

and scurried for cover. Mulder was prepared however and caught their 

husband, leading him back to Walter, with his dear little ratty nose 

already sniffling.

 

"It's for your own good," Walter said.

 

"No wonder it was more convenient to be bad!" Alex exclaimed.

 

 

Mulder opened the display case and mused for a moment over the 

various implements, finally settling on Alex's special paddle, 

designed by a paddle master especially for Walter's grip. 

 

Walter's paddle for Alex spanking was birch, beveled for increase 

sting yet designed to minimize pesky blisters. Walter bowed his head 

for a moment, gathering the Zen of the moment before applying the 

paddle to the yowling, kicking, and wriggling form of their lover. 

The roses bloomed from pale apricot to the radiant scarlet of a well-

spanked butt. It was an art form, Mulder thought, and Walter was 

certainly the premiere artist. It was a shame a well-spanked ass 

couldn't be exhibited. After all, Mulder was quite willing to show 

his...

 

OooOooO

 

Walter nervously turned to Mulder and said, "Does this tie go well 

with this suit?"

 

"Yes, I think it really adds something," Mulder said, perusing the 

selection carefully.

 

"Oh, thanks, Mulder," Walter replied, wadding up the tie and placing 

it in the trash.

 

"I saw that," muttered Mulder.

 

"I want to look good," Walter said. "I looked up the Addams family on 

your computer. They are blue bloods, society page type of people. 

Don't you want to look good to meet our in-laws?"

 

"That depends on whether they serve Lutefisk,' Mulder said. He would 

never quite forgive Walter for having a mother that served the 

Scandinavian treat. For weeks after the visit, he would startle and 

said, 'Cruel lye' with a shudder. He also hated the sweater Walter's 

mom had knit him. He understood that Swedes were parsimonious, but 

adding an extra sleeve to Mulder's sweater after hearing that Alex 

was missing an arm was more than silly. She could have just saved the 

yarn for a scarf.

 

"At least Lutefisk doesn't fight back when you eat it," Alex said.

 

Okay, he had been making utterances like that for the entire week. 

Mulder couldn't figure out what could be so bad about having a family.

 

"Which one are you related to?" Mulder asked. "Gomez or Morticia?"

 

 

"Yes," Alex answered as he put on his suit jacket.

 

 

Hmm, what the hell did that mean? Mulder said, "Alex, that wasn't an 

answer."

 

 

"Einstein said it best in his theory of relativity," Alex said. 

 

 

Not even a spanking could extract more information.

 

 

OooOooO

 

The house was impressive...

 

Mulder looked up at the turrets, the spires, the lighting rods, and the 

dark window where a hag's face, lit by a flickering candle, 

momentarily appeared. He shivered and said, "It's interesting, Alex. 

Did you grow up here?"

 

Hunching deeper in his jacket, Alex said, "I did after my parents 

picked me from the borsht patch."

 

"Don't you mean the cabbage patch?" Mulder asked.

 

"Not if you're Russian. Then you are born in the borsht patch, ready 

to ferment revolution," Alex explained.

 

At that point, two morbidly handsome people sidled from the home. The 

male had deep set, glowing eyes, a well-groomed mustached and very 

red lips. The woman wore an impressive gown, octopus like at the 

bottom with a burst of trailing fronds. She was the palest living 

person that Mulder had ever seen. Her long raven black hair flowed 

down her straight held back. Her imperious carriage befitted a 

queen...of the damned.

 

"Querido mia!" the woman said.

 

With a sickly grin, Alex handed Morticia the bunch of roses that 

Walter had insisted purchasing. Only for some reason, he had plucked 

away the blooms and left the thorns.

 

Mulder contemplated what sort of punishment this deliberate sabotage 

of the first meeting with the in-laws warranted.

 

To Mulder's surprise, the woman said, "How beautiful...I have never 

seen such large, sharp thorns. How very special of you, caro. Il est 

magnifique!"

 

"Tish, you spoke French," exclaimed the man with the glowing eyes and 

waxed mustache. He launched into a passionate devouring of the 

woman's arm that informed Mulder's observant eye that he was Alex's 

relative. Alex also had an oral fixation.

 

"Gomez, our guests," the woman said.

 

Holding out her marble-white hand, the woman said, "I am Morticia 

Addams."

 

"Charmed," said Walter, kissing the hand.

 

"And I am Gomez...Alex's brother," Gomez said.

 

 

"I thought you were my brother," squealed a demented man in a monk's 

robe. The man was bald, pudgy, but he certainly had a glow about him. 

Or maybe that was the light bulb he clutched like a cigar in his 

teeth. Mulder's scientifically trained eyes checked for hidden 

appliances and saw none. He'd have to study these phenomena. In fact, 

he had better call Scully. She needed to be on this.

 

"Of course, I am your brother," Gomez said, "but Alex is our younger 

brother twice removed. You should remember, Fester. You were the one who removed him."

 

The man in the pin striped morning suit firmly shook each hand, his 

cigar sending smoke signals the entire time. He said, "Addams, Gomez 

Addams, please to meet you."

 

"My brother, Fester," Gomez announced, indicating the well-lit man in 

the monk robe.

 

Giving them, a thousand-watt smile that sent tendrils of smoke 

puffing from his bald head, Fester said, "Pleased to meet you."

 

Fester's rotting fish breath made Mulder reel as the man pulled him 

close to kiss his cheeks. Mulder's hand brushed the man's robe 

covered belly. He cringed back as he felt something that felt like a 

bag of worms writhing beneath the cloth.

 

Moving to the side, Mulder called Scully and asked her to join them. 

After a few moments of pleading, she consented. Good. This situation 

called for a scientific mind.

 

"Mama, these handsome specimens are Alex's two husbands," Morticia 

said.

 

The crazed harridan from the window slid down the banister of the 

sinister appearing staircase and landed with a thud at the bottom. 

Mulder had only seen the like of her in reenactments of the Salem 

witch trials or knitting caps in movies about the French Revolution.

 

"Specimens? Specimens?" the woman said with a diabolical expression.

 

"No, babushka, you can't have them for your lab!" Alex 

corrected. "They are my husbands."

 

"You need them both?" the woman asked.

 

"Yes," Alex said, grabbing both Walter's arm with his right hand and 

gripping Mulder with the left prosthetic one.

 

Morticia used the servant's pull to summon a very tall and gray-

skinned golem of a butler. "Lurch, we will be wanting dinner in 

fifteen minutes."

 

 

"Uhhhh," responded the inarticulate deep bass from the cavern of the 

huge chest.

 

 

"My children, Pugsley Addams and Wednesday Addams," Morticia said, 

proudly.

 

 

Pugsley looked like the long-term result of inbreeding. He would have 

looked at home if death row inmates were allowed to have children 

with each other. His moon face resembled Uncle Fester's. There was a 

powder burn on the boy's left cheek and Mulder suspected the brown 

spot on the striped shirt was blood.

 

The boy embraced Mulder and said, "Uncle!"

 

 

Mulder fended off the pudgy hand that riffled his pockets. He glanced 

at Walter, who wore a fixed smile, (The original smile had broken when he met Fester, but he had mended it.) and mouthed, "Can we go home now?"

 

Shaking his head, Walter bent to greet the smaller child, a little 

girl in pigtails, clutching a headless doll. "What happened to your 

dolly, little girl?"

 

"She was executed for her crimes against the proletariat," the girl 

said demurely. "Do you think it is true that the brain can continue 

to live for a few moments after decapitation."

 

Blanching, Walter said, "If they do, I'm sure they are not capable of 

feeling pain."

 

"Really?" the girl said with haughty indifference. "What a pity!"

 

"I'm Wednesday Addams," the girl said.

 

"What lovely pigtails you have," Mulder said, contemplating the stiff 

hairstyle.

 

"The school forbid me from wearing the real pig tails anymore," 

Wednesday remarked. "I find that Shakespeare is puerile and juvenile, 

don't you? First kill all the lawyers is an unnecessary step. Should 

one begin with teachers, soon there would be no lawyers produced."

 

"So you're a nihilist?" Mulder said.

 

"Of course not, I certainly wouldn't refute the existence of the 

world," Wednesday said. "It is the redundancy of it all that appalls 

me. That and the lack of scientific method."

 

 

Somehow, this little black widow reminded Mulder of Scully...

 

 

OooOooO

 

 

The dining table was a grand expanse of ebony. It was scarred by 

numerous indentations as if diners had cause to strike at food with 

sharp knifes. The table setting was interesting. Mulder had never 

seen cleavers, mallets, and scalpels in a silver pattern of skulls...

 

 

The soup was an unusual murky and seething mass. It surprised Mulder 

to see how readily Alex devoured his serving. Mulder had tried it, but the taste made him reach for his napkin. He hadn't had the like since 

Langly mistook a lab specimen for pizza.

 

Walter said, "This soup is very interesting. What is it?"

 

"Primordial soup," Alex replied happily. "Grand mama's specialty."

 

"It isn't easy to replicate the process of evolution in a stock pot," 

Gomez said.

 

The manservant, Lurch, served the main course. He paused in the 

doorway to administer a summary blow to what ever was contained in 

the silver dome covered platter.

 

Distracted by the entry of a mound of hair, topped with a bowler hat 

and sunglasses, Mulder hardly noticed being served. He said, "What's 

that?"

 

"He's not That. He's It," Alex said. "My cousin."

 

"Shit," said Mulder, "I'm glad we're not in a male pregnancy story. I 

don't want those genes in my family."

 

It joined them at the table, but the doorbell rang almost as soon as 

he settled. He babbled something even more disjointed than the 

Russian, that Alex spilled when he was coming, and bustled out to get 

the door. 

 

As Mulder turned back to the table, he uttered a girly squeal. There 

was a squid like creature on his plate. It opened its hooked beak and 

snapped at Mulder. Suckers coldly adhered to Mulder's wrist stinging 

him.

 

"Use the cleaver," Alex said, "It only irritates them to pull at the 

suckers."

 

With a moan of loathing, Mulder chopped at the tentacle. Gradually, 

the thing gave up its hold.

 

"Now you eat it," Alex said cheerfully, stuffing a still moving limb 

into his mouth. He closed his eyes and shuddered with ecstasy as the 

flesh slithered down his open throat.

 

Mulder wasn't sure if he would ever let Alex go down on him again.

 

"How did you find Alex again after your long separation?" Walter 

asked. He was managing the meal well, knocking the head unconscious 

at the appropriate intervals and consuming the tentacles.

 

"Grand mama was visiting the homeland," Gomez said. "When she found 

something that has changed our lives."

 

Choking on a drink of water, Mulder reached for his napkin and found 

it had fallen in the struggle with his food. He started to reach for 

it, but a hand gave him the napkin.

 

"Thank you," Mulder said then looked to confirm the truth. 

 

There was a hand. Just a hand and no body. It formed an 'A-OK' with 

its fingers.

 

"Thing," Alex said, "has been in the family for generations."

 

"An old family retainer?" Walter asked with acumen that he had 

polished from presenting Mulder's reports to the Deputy Director.

 

"No, I have that," Fester said. He grinned to show the cast iron 

brace on his pointed teeth.

 

"Shit," Mulder said.

 

"Oh, but, of course," Morticia said. "Lurch, show Mister Mulder the 

facilities."

 

Dangling from the giant's hand, Mulder was dragged off to a bathroom 

that boasted a slashed and blood splattered shower curtain, a bathtub 

with scuff marks from drumming heels, and a toilet that tried to suck 

him into its depths when he sat on it.

 

Sweating in fear, Mulder reached for a towel and was handled one by 

an arm. It was just an arm, wearing a black leather jacket on 

the end of the stump. Mulder swayed and fell, fainting.

 

OooOooO

 

 

Sometime later, Mulder woke with the lovely feeling of Alex's hand 

gently exploring him. He sighed as the hand moved toward his groin 

and sighed, "Oh, Alex..."

 

Moments later, he felt the hand that had been fondling him pulled 

away. He was confronted by Alex's sullen face. His lover held a 

writhing, flailing arm in his hand. Staring at the arm, Alex 

said, "You bitch."

 

Now that Alex was present, Mulder did a brief comparison. "Alex..."

 

"Can't I trust you with anyone?" Alex said, "Leave you alone for five 

minutes and I find you in bed with a servant."

 

"What is it, Mulder? Why do you have to be such a slut?" Alex said.

 

"Now, I have had enough," Mulder said. He leapt from the bed and 

grabbed the arm. "Look at the damned thing. I thought it was you. In 

fact, it is or was a part of you. Your severed arm."

 

 

"No!' Alex said, holding the arm at arm's length. He examined the 

fingers and said, "Hey, there's the scar I had from getting that 

broken dildo out of your ass!"

"The beginning of our love," Mulder said. "Now, you know what you 

get..."

 

"A spanking," Alex said.

 

Grabbing a paddle, Mulder flipped back the Velcro-closed panel and 

applied a lady's hairbrush. The mother of pearl on the handle 

spelled, "Property of Mistress Morticia."

 

"I'm sure your brother won't mind," Mulder said.

 

The uneasy feeling that something had gone wrong bugged Mulder, but 

in the fury of the moment he didn't notice until the end of the 

spanking.

 

The red, shining hot bottom bore a regular pattern over and over. 

Alex's ass said, "Property of Morticia."

 

"Oh, no!" Mulder said, "Walter will kill me. Don't let him see your 

ass, Alex."

 

"I get to be bottom for a week?" Alex negotiated.

 

"Yes, just make sure that he doesn't see your ass until it fades," 

Mulder said.

 

 

OooOooO

 

 

Downstairs, Walter was just emerging from a trapdoor. He looked 

rather drunk and all a-glow. Well, most certainly a glow.

 

"Look watt Fester taught me,' Walter said. He stuck the light bulb 

back in his mouth and made it surge with power.

 

"Wow!" Mulder said, "I knew you were powerful, but that is 

impressive. Hey, have you..."

 

A blushing Scully floated down the stairs hand in hand with Cousin 

It. The hairy little creature babbled at Alex, who 

said, "Congratulations, Mulder, Walter, It and Scully are going to be 

married!"

 

"You're kidding," Mulder said.

 

"It's true love, beneath that fur beats the heart of a real man and 

the cock of a bull," Scully said. She said, "We're going to have the 

love theme from Hair played at our wedding. I hope you don't mind, 

Mulder."

 

"Ah, no, I'm sure that William will be pleased if you give him 

combination of a puppy and a baby brother," Mulder said. 

 

It would make the wedding gift so easy to buy...hairball remedy. Lots 

of hair ball remedy.

 

 

OooOooO

 

As Mulder waved goodbye to the family, he said, "Now, Alex, that 

really went better than we expected. I don't think your family found 

us unusual."

 

"True," Alex said.

 

"Hey, you left your arm? I thought you were going to have it 

reattached?" Mulder said.

 

"I couldn't do that to Thing," Alex said. "I could see they were 

really in love. Besides they promised me the pick of the litter if 

they reproduce."

 

Mulder shut his mouth before he could ask how a hand and an arm could 

reproduce. Some things you don't want to know.

 

As Alex got into the car, Walter patted his butt. His fingernails 

snagged on the Velcro and opened the flap, revealing the hairbrush's 

nefarious message.

 

"Alex, how could you?" Walter said, hurt.

 

"He didn't," Mulder confessed. "I borrowed Morticia's brush to punish 

him and didn't notice that it left the brand. I want one like that."

 

 

OooOooO

 

Mulder may not have had a Velcro panel, but he could still be 

spanked. Moments later he squealed as Walter's bare hand impacted his 

ass at light speed. He could feel his skin growing incandescent. 

Walter managed to slap the inside of his thighs. So much for the 

mechanical bull bachelor party he had planned for It.

 

The trio were so busy that they hardly noticed the couple moving in 

next door. 

 

As strains of music accompanied them from the Cadillac, Mom and Pa 

Peacock unloaded their worldly goods...or rather Mrs. Peacock watched 

from her gurney as her son and husband unpacked various swine and 

shovels. 

 

"Son, I think we finally found the right neighbors...."

 

 

The end...snerk


End file.
